Horse Race Punter Gifts

"Tell me what you know about destiny." "It's running in the 330 at Ascot."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"It's hard for me to do my job remotely when you keep eating all of my home work."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

Saloon Selectives

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

CORN.

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Yes it's a long and illustrious family tree Mr Yousif, but what I really need from you is a passport.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, there is an uptown train a hundred and two stations away."

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

"I brought my wife a mink for her birthday, but she refuses to clean out its cage."

I think the word you are hunting for is 'plummet'.

"We all float down here....Except for the pound, of course!"

'I was close to winning the pools this Saturday. The bloke next door won.'

Gambler And Umpire

Donkey Fights

The God's football

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"The stock option plan, Jenkins, is limited to OUR company."

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."

'Hey, it's my first retirement check!'