Horoscope Humorists Pillows

"I was actually born in September, but I identify as a Pisces."

"I didn't know you were so gullible."

"Something very big buried a lot of bones here."

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"You shouldn't have hypnotised him"

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Once Again Jeff Had Put Too Much Helium In The Party Balloons.

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

"You don't look much like a werewolf."

"This birthday qualified him to be tapped as a fossil fuel reserve."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

"No, I'm afraid Pluto is never in the dog house."

'I wish I could look just like Elvis.'

"It's like every year my fear gets a little worse."

Big Birthday Boy Breakfast.

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

Al, you look nonplussed. I just heard that they discovered a new astrological sign, and my birthday now falls under the sign of the jackass.

'Yeah, I'm a trife scorpio - what of it?'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

Happy Birthday!

'I had a rough year in the market. I can't attract gold diggers anymore. The best I can hope for is a silver digger.'

"It's my birthday. How about a free drink?"

'I don't believe in astrology. I think that's because I'm a Leo.'

'And this is where we attempt to forecast the true size of the spending cuts!'

'I'm a Pisces.'

Heaven is unattended...leave your prayers at the sound of the tone.

'Ha ha! You've been afraid of someone else's future!'

'According to my horoscope one of us is going on a long journey.'

'Your horoscope says you're going to have a nasty accident today.'

'I don't deny that my client murdered a man, but his moon was in Taurus, folks, His moooooon was in Taurus!'