Horology Humorist Pillows

'You remember my shockproof, rustproof, waterproof, dustproof watch? Well, I lost it.'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

I will study my speling words...

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

Apples for sale

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Outer Space Outsourcing

"Even the waiters here are organic."

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

Dog Walking Services