Hopeful Punters Gifts

"I'm expecting a big win on the horses."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

Math Jokes

Hamlet.

"Not too much off my back."

'What he lacks in speed he gains in nose.'

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

Saloon Selectives

'Who leads Russia?'

A Good Bet.

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"We did the sequel, we did the prequel. There's only one option left: zombies."

Monk at prayer, "and take care, if anything happens to you we're sunk!"

'Well it was fine on the straight but when it hit the last curve the cartoonist lost his perspective!'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

'Yes, you have to say a prayer of thanks for the shrimp. Just a little one.'

Bureau of statistics and probability

'Twenty quid will be great, I'll give you it back on Thursday when I get my Giro.'

Gambler And Umpire

'Now we know why they call this the SNUG!'

"I brought my wife a mink for her birthday, but she refuses to clean out its cage."

Donkey Fights

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

"One hundred billion workers and I'm the only one made redundant. Do you realise how unlucky that makes me feel?"

'Dear Lord, for what we are about to receive, may we be truly thankful...'

'Probability Institute' '4-1, 2-3, even'

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."

"Well, you certainly were right about the power of prayer, dear!"