Homeowner Troubles Gifts

"We have a termite problem."

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

'I found the termites!'

The native sweet bay species will make a beautiful grove. They'll give you pleasure and increase your house value! Tree's tree nursery. Hmm

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Beware of the Lawn

"The pH level seems a little off."

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'The bad news is the Big Bad Wolf is coming. The good news is I've got some great rates on Homeowner's Insurance!'

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

Stan believes in calling a spade a spade.

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

"Well, as a matter of fact, no, you didn't tell us you kept exotic pets when you sold us the house!"

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

'If you promise to never try to open the locked attic door, the owner will take $20,00 off!'

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

"Decaf for me, Peter."

'Do we want this one parallel with the floor or the ceiling?'

'Hello, is that Dugdame and Son's, the plumber?'

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."

'What do you mean, you forgot about the coalmining search?'

'It has to have big living room, he has a sixty inch rock.'

'He missed a 5-foot putt for eagle last year, so he had an exact replica of the green build into the yard.'

I hurt my back and then a pipe broke flooding my house

"Homeowner please help."

"You live very near the edge, don't you"