Homeowner Blues Gifts

"Your home is your most valuable asset."

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

Home Business - Electric Stapler.

The native sweet bay species will make a beautiful grove. They'll give you pleasure and increase your house value! Tree's tree nursery. Hmm

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'You had to put a skylight in didn't you?'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"I aways thought it would be stylish to live in a house with high ceilings."

Beware of the Lawn

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

"The pH level seems a little off."

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'The bad news is the Big Bad Wolf is coming. The good news is I've got some great rates on Homeowner's Insurance!'

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

'How much did you say we'd be saving by buying a wood-burning stove?'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

Stan believes in calling a spade a spade.

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"Well, as a matter of fact, no, you didn't tell us you kept exotic pets when you sold us the house!"

'If you promise to never try to open the locked attic door, the owner will take $20,00 off!'

Wide screen TV

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

'One good thing about this place is that I can honestly say I own everything as far as the eye can see.'

'Do we want this one parallel with the floor or the ceiling?'

"Decaf for me, Peter."

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."

'What do you mean, you forgot about the coalmining search?'

'It has to have big living room, he has a sixty inch rock.'