Homeowner In Jest Pillows

"I've just had mine repossessed..."

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

'I found the termites!'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all junk mail.

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

Mouse real estate!

Beware of the Lawn

"The pH level seems a little off."

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'I'm not the sitting tenant, I'm your husband.'

"Since he retired I try and give him something to do around the house."

"Decaf for me, Peter."

Angler's bait

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'Do we want this one parallel with the floor or the ceiling?'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

'What do you mean, you forgot about the coalmining search?'

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."