Homeowner In Jest Gifts

"I've just had mine repossessed..."

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

'I found the termites!'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all junk mail.

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

"Have you been fiddling with the cuckoo clock again, Tony?"

Mouse real estate!

Beware of the Lawn

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"The pH level seems a little off."

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'You're not supposed to use fabric softener on ARMOR!'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'Do we want this one parallel with the floor or the ceiling?'

'I'm not the sitting tenant, I'm your husband.'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

"Since he retired I try and give him something to do around the house."

Angler's bait

"Decaf for me, Peter."

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."