Home Safety Schemer Pillows

'I want it to look like an accident.'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

"Peter quickly learns the limitations of his new hamster ball."

'Throw it out. . . we never use it, unless you can think of someone that might need it.'

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"Let's pick up our cars now, 'kay Puddin'?"

'New normal' family life

"Maybe this is insignificant, what with everything going on in the world, but do we have a fire extinguisher?"

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'I know the fire's in the kitchen, but that program just irks the hell out of me.'

Beware of the dog.

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'I lost him in the house, but don't worry, a snake that big should be easy to find.'

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

"Try to open Grampy's chair a little slower next time, puddin'."

"Did we turn off the stove?"

'I told you he was smart. He turned a potential hazard into a plaything.'

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

Beware of Dogs

"First, locate the pin on your extinguisher..."

"I think you should turn the water temperature down a bit. The water melted through the tub and then through the floor."

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

Little Did She Know