Home Improvisation Humorist Gifts

'Could you stop off at No. 25 - my gas boiler's gone out?'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

The Hammer

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"