Home Finance Humorist Gifts

"So what happens if we can't meet our monthly mortgage repayments?"

'Are you quite sure you paid the paper bill,Alec?'

"Bloody building society keeps hassling us about the mortgage payment."

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Money Bar.

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

But under a different accounting convention ...

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Mr. Hickey really knows how to keep our stockholders meetings short and sweet!'

The Euro - R.I.P.

You invested in Facebook?! How could you? That bugs you? You, of all people, are mad that the FTC is suing Meta Platforms in an antitrust case? No, I mean how can you afford to invest? If you can afford to buy stock, then I pay you way too much. It was only $40! Quiet, I'm calculating your pay cut.

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'