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Self-Isolatteion

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Nothing beats the love of a good cat.

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

'Do you have any catsup?'

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

Today's special... donuts.

Wasting away again in Cappuccinoville.

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Hats and Food

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

Non-Power Breakfast

'I put the cake in the blender because I wanted a glass of cake.'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"You sure you guys don't spike the coffee?"

Raphnrrf? Raphnrrf? Umpha? Frfee? Maamr? Pick.

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

National Coffee Day

Minion, I've noticed several of the patrons are working on their laptops, tablets and phones. Yeah, that's what people do in cafes, boss. Are you aware, minion, that states and municipalities regularly tax people who conduct business within their borders? I don't see why the state should have a monopoly on taxation. Do you, minion? Inform the patrons they've missed the cafe's April 15th filing deadline, so there will be penalties. If the government can be "We the People," Armstrong Maynard can b

Tree Cafe; Free Valet Parking

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

The American Tearoom, Moscow

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