Hollywood Hopeful Gifts

Welcome to Hollywood

'I'm sorry, Ralph, but you didn't make the final cut.'

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'I don't know where to begin in deciding what I want to be when I grow up...I want people to shut and leave me alone, and I need lots of attention, so...'

"I'm sorry. We don't want a ring-tailed lemur. We want a ring-tailed-lemur type."

"Hallelujah, I'm a believer!"

Producer, Director and Egomaniac Chair

"No movie deal yet, but Kinko's extremely interested in the idea of making multiple copies of your screenplay."

'We have the ideas for product placement and now all we need is the script.'

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

Hollywood Studio - 'We can only pay you $20million for your next film - video piracy is killing the film industry.'

"This is Larry. If I were Matt Damon, he'd be Ben Affleck."

'WOHOOO! They hired me for the double role!'

It had been a long, hard climb, but Bob was finally going to rub elbows with the stars.

Lousy agent.

"I'm perfect for the screenwriter's job. And if you don't like my résumé, I've got 12 more with alternative endings!"

Live the Dream!

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

Today, let's start with a list of actors who were never nominated with an Academy Award....

Movie Marquee says: 'That Movie With That Guy In It, You Know, That Guy!'

"Well, Clive, what I REALLY want to do it wait on tables."

Hollywood director.

'I'm writing a screenplay that every studio in Hollywood will want to produce. It's about an honest, hard-working, moral CEO.'

"Wait a minute... You're not Warren Gurkenman the famous actor, but his stuntman?!"

Siblings of the Stars.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

"That's enough therapy. From here on out, I think I could do a hell of a lot more for both of us as your agent."

"In terms of career guidance, access to A-list talent, and studio relationships, you couldn't sign with a better rehab clinic."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"I'm growing it for a movie I'm producing."

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"I have no head for show business."

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

"Being labeled a character actor does not mean you are ugly."