Holiday Storytelling Gifts

"Hey boy! Hey! Hey! Hey! Are those earbuds? Hey!!"

'I'm Jewish on my mother's side...Happy Hanukkah!'

'Well if the big, bad wolf is still out there. Who's just climbed down the chimney into our boiling pot?!'

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

Father Christmas Painting Robins.

“He’s timid, very shy. I rescued him from some wacko who tried to steal Christmas.”

Filming Christmas

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

A feminist Christmas.

'Happens every year - I can never remember where I put the tree decorations.'

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

There's no place like Ho-Ho-Home

Knight before Christmas

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

'My brother got all the glory. For me it was Randolph with your nose so pink, you really make my sleigh team stink.'

'While our cases were soaking up the sun over there we were soaking up the rain over here!'

Antique shop owner looks at old chalice, saying: 'Well, it MIGHT be worth something if it had the original myrrh inside.'

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

"We'll always have WhatsApp."

'Why miniature reindeer? Why not a flying dog-sled team?'

Boy Prays for a Full Stocking

"I'm playing Santa in the Christmas play. I need a pillow and eight tiny reindeer by Friday."

"Obviously, because he had the best P.R. people he was the most famous reindeer of all."

How the little banjo boy became a drummer

'Okay, I'll be nice, but they'd better not stay long.'

Free Chimney Cleaning.

"Peace on earth. Goodwill to all men and who ordered the triple cheese with extra pepperoni?"

"It's just temporary, Comet, until Rudolph feels better."

"It's time we have a little chat."

'It doesn't say anything about gift tax, son. It just says the Magi came bearing gifts.'

'My dad, says you're not the real Santa. He said, you're just some fella off the dole.'