Holiday Storytelling Gifts

"Hey boy! Hey! Hey! Hey! Are those earbuds? Hey!!"

'I'm Jewish on my mother's side...Happy Hanukkah!'

'Well if the big, bad wolf is still out there. Who's just climbed down the chimney into our boiling pot?!'

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

“He’s timid, very shy. I rescued him from some wacko who tried to steal Christmas.”

Father Christmas Painting Robins.

Filming Christmas

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

A feminist Christmas.

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

Knight before Christmas

'Happens every year - I can never remember where I put the tree decorations.'

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

'While our cases were soaking up the sun over there we were soaking up the rain over here!'

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

Antique shop owner looks at old chalice, saying: 'Well, it MIGHT be worth something if it had the original myrrh inside.'

"I'm playing Santa in the Christmas play. I need a pillow and eight tiny reindeer by Friday."

"We'll always have WhatsApp."

Boy Prays for a Full Stocking

'Why miniature reindeer? Why not a flying dog-sled team?'

"Obviously, because he had the best P.R. people he was the most famous reindeer of all."

How the little banjo boy became a drummer

'Okay, I'll be nice, but they'd better not stay long.'

Free Chimney Cleaning.

"Peace on earth. Goodwill to all men and who ordered the triple cheese with extra pepperoni?"

"It's time we have a little chat."

"It's just temporary, Comet, until Rudolph feels better."

'It doesn't say anything about gift tax, son. It just says the Magi came bearing gifts.'

Caterpillar and stockings.

'My dad, says you're not the real Santa. He said, you're just some fella off the dole.'

Twas 4 nights before Christmas and Santa's spirits aren't high. Unless hitched to his sleigh, his reindeer can't fly...