Holiday Protector Gifts

"In this district constable, you can't be too careful!"

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

Happy kids running abount with a 'Schools out' banner

"Do you remember, Peg—are we on our way out or on our way back?"

"Excuse me, but for some reason you have us traveling with our kids."

'I am not doing nothing ... I am perfecting inertia.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Lounging by the pool

Camping-Pong

Piggy bank #5: carrying (colour).

'See you in two weeks!'

Ice Cream Tower.

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"Have you packed everything into your smartphone?"

Thru The Eyes Of A Lifeguard.

Santa, alien, easter bunny and sasquatch plan the perfect caper.

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

A pilgrim driving a camper leaving the Mayflower ship.

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Apparently we were wrong expecting him to return from vacation with renewed enthusiasm and vitality!'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

'Happy New Year!'

"Did you know that someday astronauts may put themselves into deep hibernation to artificially shorten the grueling journey to their ultimate destination? Wake me up on Christmas morning."

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'This is just a holiday tradition - It's nothing personal.'

The Day After a Long Weekend: "Monday?? Wednesday? There's no way to know!!"

'Oh I retired a few months back...I'm a promoter now.'

"I manage to avoid jetlag by just catching an earlier flight..."

'I love holidays!'

While you were out

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

Beer Belly.