Holiday Grump Gifts

'Blowtorch the decorations and weedkiller the tree.'

Crusty old Bachelor on Christmas Day

"I've always hated Christmas."

"I told the carol singers where to go in no uncertain terms, so that's saved us some money!"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

'Wait! That's not one of your novelty slippers...that's the cat!'

Broken Alarm Clock.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'Did you use mouthwash this morning?'

You have the worst spring breath.

"I know it's tough to get motivated on Mondays, but..."

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

'I hate surprises!'

'Misery is sleeping in late on Saturday morning then realizing it's only Wednesday...'

I am coffee and I need more coffee

'This may be the only time I'll ever bring you breakfast in bed - So wake up!'

"I much prefer the evening milking to the morning one: The farmer is not a "morning person", now is he?"

Buzz. Go away. Buzz buzz. I'm up! The alarm clock always wants it more than you do.

'Bonny, I've forgotten...What time is that 9 o'clock meeting tomorrow?...'

'If you get one who refuses to wake up, pour it in his lap.'

I'm going to hate myself in the morning, but I hate everything in the morning.

The morning show for people who HATE mornings

"Dang it."

Alarm clock.

'Please don't say a word to me until my coffee gets right...about...here.

Time stood still – which made it an easy target.

"I just keep getting this urge to say 'Bah Humbug'!"

'Sunnyside down.'

"Mummy's a bit grisly in the mornings. But after something to eat and a little nap, she's quite pleasant."

"And a 'good morning' to you, too"

"He just woke up from hibernation."

'Sounds like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' 'Ahhhhhh!'