Holiday Detective Gifts

'Find the rotter wot nicked our Christmas tree!'

Santa, Alien, Easter Bunny and Sasquatch plan the perfect caper.

A boy acting suspiciously

DNA Xmas.

'Done! We're now on Santa's 'nice' list.'

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

"Dad can we stop pushing this backdrop and go on a real vacation?"

"Sure, I love the scent of a REAL tree, but nothing beats the convenience of ignoring the holidays altogether."

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

"...Won't be a minute darling, I'm just downloading Christmas."

Undercover Santa

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

X-Raying Christmas Presents

"Relax, Ms. Jones. I'm just X-raying this gift from my brother-in-law to see if I should re-gift it."

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

I'm home, son! Did you bring me anything, dad? A new bike! Is it a Schwinn? If "Schwinn" is German for "Hallucination," yes!

'I did some investigating. The guy is an actor.'

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"Well, of course my DNA was found at the scene, it's Christmas Eve!"

Anarchist rebel teenager has eaten all his advent calender chocolates (isn't he naughty).

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether or not money can buy happiness."

'For the last time, I cannot make it to your family's Christmas gathering tonight.'

"You going to visit your mother on mother's day?"

"This year, we just decided to give money to ourselves."

Collateral Santa

'Santa's gone ROGUE!'

'With all I've learned about psychology recently, establishing who's naughty and who's nice is not as simple as it used to be.'

"He's not in, but this fresh snowfall will make him easy to track."

'Apparently when she said she didn't want ANYTHING for Christmas I made the mistake of not hearing her say 'I want a crocodile skin attache case'.'

"You could add 'Men who say "Ciao!" who are not even Italian or of Italian descent' to that list."

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? I've been invited to two different Thanksgivings. One with family, one with friends. Which one do I go to? Ah. An age-old question. You do what we did in the old days: Think about which one is more likely to include arguments, bitter resentments and poorly hidden betrayals, ... And go to that one. A holiday without the floor show is no holiday at all! My aunt does hate my uncle ... but then ... my friend Tyra's husband does suspect her and Darnell.

"There's no way in hell this is what it's all about."

'You're Steve from menswear. I read it on wikileaks.'

Conservative Party

"It's extra for the stand."