Christmas Detective Gifts

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

'You're Steve from menswear. I read it on wikileaks.'

A boy acting suspiciously

Who stole my candy?

Missing Easter Egg

'Fancy coming on a man hunt?'

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

Reason # 23 that doors don't make perfect seal against winter winds: Mischievous unemployed elves.

'You're an inspector now?'

'You're free to go. Another suspect matching the description of having big ears and a trunk has just been arrested for the circus stampede.'

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

Serious Crime Squad, Light-Hearted Crime Squad, Happy As Larry Crime Squad.

'Did you see who pushed you?'

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

Undercover Santa

Golf Crime Scene.

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

X-Raying Christmas Presents

"Relax, Ms. Jones. I'm just X-raying this gift from my brother-in-law to see if I should re-gift it."

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

"Well, of course my DNA was found at the scene, it's Christmas Eve!"

'Dad, cut out the middle man, Santa and get me the toys from behind the wardrobe.'

I'm home, son! Did you bring me anything, dad? A new bike! Is it a Schwinn? If "Schwinn" is German for "Hallucination," yes!

"Snowman 1 to snowman 3... UPS delivery complete... FedEx approaching fast... Amazon not in sight... Over!"

'I did some investigating. The guy is an actor.'

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"Where'd you find it, dad?"

'With all I've learned about psychology recently, establishing who's naughty and who's nice is not as simple as it used to be.'

"You could add 'Men who say "Ciao!" who are not even Italian or of Italian descent' to that list."

'Yes, it was number 4, I'm positive,'

'Apparently when she said she didn't want ANYTHING for Christmas I made the mistake of not hearing her say 'I want a crocodile skin attache case'.'

"There's no way in hell this is what it's all about."

Conservative Party

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack's Christmas Story

Trading Standards man entering 'Toys r sus'