Hog Handler Humorist Pillows

'Why don't we ever have people over?'

No Soliciting

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

Pushy Dog

'The word bath is mentioned.'

'Nothing like being your own boss, huh?'

'There! Now he's tied to my satisfaction and ready for surgery!'

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

'Doctor, did you say 5 minutes of traction, or 5 hours?'

"I'd skip dessert. You'll be quicker on your feet."

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

'Toilet paper, Lassie! Fetch toilet paper! Stupid mutt!'

I think you started off sending him the wrong message when you named him Alpha.

'I wish I could do Search and Rescue too: When you're a Police Dog, the people you find don't actually want to be found...'

'Damn showdog people!'

'Did you read my email about Timmy falling down the well?'

The Poodle and The Twooudle.

Labradoodle/Labradon't-le

"I lost my way and wandered through this white hell for five days before your brave rescue dog found me and saved me from starving to death!"

"Listen, buddy, a lot of dogs accidentally wee-wee at Westminster."

"Yeah, but it doesn't smell like a bomb!"

'...Because its easy to draw.'

"Barking's what I do, it's not who I am."

"I don't want it to look like I don't appreciate your qualifications and experience, but you're talking a lot of crap."

Suddenly Harry regrets ever using anything other than dog treats to motivate his team.

Shakespeare in the Industrial Park

'Best guard dog we've ever had!'

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

'Time out!... Scooper!!'

"Darling, this dog food is delicious!"

'We're like the canine unit, only tougher. Instead of dogs we use big, bad wolves.'

"Hon, did you order Alpine?"