Hipster Humorists Gifts

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

"Not you, too, Larry. Pumpkin-flavored?"

"Money or your beard!"

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

Football Chameleon

Palms. When fully grown that species will provide some nice shade in your your yard. Fronds with benefits.

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Emergency Hipster Beard

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"Can I get this to go in an organic, locally recycled, eco-friendly doggie bag?"

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

Gangsta wrap.

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

Cover story: Plant World.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

'I was tired of my goaty, so I decided to grow a moustache...'

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'You can come back in, King Kong. The superintendent got the door open.'

"Wow yes, it's a lovely garden, but I can only see flowers: not a carrot in sight..."

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."