Hilarious Hypocrite Pillows

"Did you send your editor the final pages of 'Organizing Your Life'?"

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'I hate bloody football! It's just a bunch of over-rated, overpaid nancy boys kicking a b-' - 'Genuine football fans may leave work early to avoid missing the start of important World Cup fixtures.' - 'C'mon England!'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

Hypochondria Hospital

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

"I think I'm coming down with something."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'I know just how you feel.'

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'The good news is it's not bird flu.'

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Steak Lovers.

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'Like I've told you before, Mrs. Spencer, it's all in your head.'

Edna's Doctor Fantasy

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

"Personally, I never take anything but aspirin."

'Don't worry! They're vegetarian!'

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

'You're allergic to medical allergy bracelets.'

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'

"That's such a clever title: I love a good pun..."

'A second opinion would be appreciated only if confirms my opinion.'