Hiking Instructor Gifts

You could have saved yourself a lot of time my reading my syndicated advice column.

Things you don't want to see...(mountain goat falls past climbers).

Mr. Briggs' Adventures in the Highlands, part 9.

"I don't remember it ever being this windy before."

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

'When I was a Scout, we had to blaze trails without sticky notes.'

"Since global warming the Abominable Snowman is much less frightening than he used to be."

Man about dog parasailing: 'He's a water dog and a birder.'

Camping.

'Any wilderness skills besides making smores?'

"The only problem with living at the top of a mountain is the constant stream of people coming to ask stupid questions."

Welcome to Everest! No Loitering.

"Yaffle Pass Elevation 11,990 ft Continental Divide"

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

"Hey guys - wrote a new song! It's called 'I suggested Paris.' And a' one, two three..."

'He's a yodelling busker!'(Busker on faraway mountain).

The meaning of life is to avoid falling rocks

"Thanks to the Internet, I learned to ride a bike. Since I was bored, I also got my pilot's license."

'Bob, wait!!! Nice try, bear.'

"Remember, it's the journey not the destination."

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of insurance forms.

"If nothing else, school has prepared me for a lifetime of backpacking."

'I wouldn't bother. They're probably gluten-free vegetarians.'

Guru. It's not some kind of zen metaphor --- I really do have an invisible fence!

'This is no time to start wondering whether you turned off the oven!

"My word. . . so this is how they now climb the corporate ladder. . .?"

'My pine scented spray keeps the bugs away, but what do I do about the beavers?'

Does it Rain at Camp?

"Sometime, maybe we could run down to Lhasa for some SPICED gruel, huh?"

Orienteering 101

"Each year the Kayaks made their way upstream."

'Try not to jerk when you come to the end of the rope.'

Metaphors.

Hitching a lift