Heiress Gifts

'You're a heiress? There's a coincidence, I'm a billionaire!'

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'What zip code are we in now?'

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"Think we'll still make happy hour?"

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"This happens everytime someone asks to speak to the head of the household."

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

Countervailing Clichés.

'Who gets the decaf?'

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'