Little Heiress Gifts

'Don't be silly. You're too young for a credit card. How would madison like an ATM for her birthday instead?'

Kid at bus stop to kid: 'Needless to say, I cured my Mom of her home-schooling kick.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

'I don't know what 'peer pressure' is, but it makes a GREAT excuse!'

High security Santa's grotto

'Will you raise my allowance? I want to play doctor but can't afford the malpractice insurance.'

My Bangs: A Play in 5 Acts

Kid blowing bubble takes off.

Girl on a giant pair of scissors.

'We're playing doctor ??" Billy's the anesthetist.'

The Dandy

'Let's play doctor - I'll listen to your heart and you give me all your allowance.'

"Two boys from legal to see you."

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

Little girl drawing big sun puts on sunscreen.

Little Pink Girl and Her Pink Horse

Witch in drugstore: They're endangered now, so I need a newt substitute.'

Child doing the washing up

"What did you study in school today, Gracie?"

"Grandma, what big – wait, is that a flamethrower?"

'We're the Meeks and we're here to see about our inheritance of the Earth.'

'I'd love to play house, Kevin, but I've got a business to run.'

'I wonder what the statue of limitations is on something like this?'

"Tooth fairy funds may seem consistent, and birthday money stable, but you really need to consider diversification of your portfolio."

Bottle Opener Strikes A Red Wine Well

War on drugs... war on terror... war on lima beans.

"With the Suzuki method, they start them campaigning as early as three or four."

"The good news is, the children in the district have strong writing skills. The bad news is, we have sustained a letter-writing campaign from the third grade."

"I heard you were out of flower, Mommy."

Handstand

'You're the mother and those are your children? -- I'd like to see a DNA test.'

"If I had a million dollars, I'd buy myself a new car, a new house for Dad and new clothes for Tia Carmen!"

Kid reader to librarian about 'Parenting' book: 'This didn't tell me anything about how to deal with parents.'

'Actually, I hate places like this.'