Heavenly Gourmet T-Shirts

"What do you mean, 'No hot pastrami'? What kind of heaven do you call this?"

'Personally, I think the cumulous taste more cotton candy then marshmallow.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

To do before Saturday...

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'Is this still America?'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Holiday Supplies

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

The Origins of Everything

Cheese

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"The bagels are better in New York."