Heart-smart Partier Gifts

'Non-alcohol beer, unsalted potato chips and tofu hot dogs? Why did you accept a party invitation from a cardiologist?'

Tartine

'Just how big of a tailgate party are you expecting to have?'

That party went well.

Shaken not stirred

'Sorry, miss. It seems to be stuck!'

'These hors d'oeuvres are real slop, and I mean that in the best sense.'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

'Many Happy Redundan... HA! RETURNS of the day, Mackay.'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

Budget Munchies

"Of course it's not easy to read the body language of someone who's basically inert."

'When I first saw here I thought I'd died and gone to heaven, but not with beer at these prices!'

'Do you cater weddings?' Why the groom is never put in charge of anything.

House Plant Party

Back in the football stadium - without face masks and social distancing!

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

"The year may be over, but it'll be dragged back up on history tests for years to come."

Happy Eightieth Birthday

"He goes to a real party preschool."

'Sir, the Christmas party is well prepared. We've got champagne, wine, beer, food and five canister of carpet cleaner.'

"For the last time—'Rider' is the birthday boy, 'Laser' is the party venue, and 'Scooter' is the gift we got him."

"This is where the party budget ran out."

'They're our neighbours. We invited them on the off chance they may turn out to be post-modern.'

'Your neighbor wanted me to break up a wild party, but actually, I find this a congenial affair,'

"This will be painful, so I was hoping I could record your blood-curdling screams to be used at my Halloween party."

"See? I told you it would be more fun settling our differences over a few drinks."

'There's a stick in mine...'

'Of course we charge triple!'

The originator of the office birthday party.

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."