Healthcare Humor Gifts

'Our trials show that the new drug performs no better than placebo.'

'Are you sure this is a vaccination shot and not a lethal injection?'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'It's alright for you - you're going home today!'

'And out hospital has rooms...lots of rooms, and some beds, and we've got stairs.'

'The good news is you'll be a real money-maker for us.'

"I don't leave home without it!"

'Let's see what the ol' ticker tape' says.'

Clinic for those with one leg - Wipe your foot.

Never make a doctors appointment on Take Your Kids to Work Day.

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'I want to change to another doctor, because I've read all of the magazines in your waiting room.'

Doctor's compliment

"Take this on an empty stomach. Which in your case may be impossible."

"Trust me, Doc, it's quicker if I tell you what doesn't hurt."

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

'Good news. I've run every test I could think of and still didn't manage to drain your savings.'

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

'So for the record...age you admitting that there are circumstances in which you would not demand an MRI scan for a child with a sniffle for purely budgetary reasons!'

'Your X Rays turned out ok, but not suitable for framing.'

"Are you in there, Mr Elkins?"

"He's our newest partner, we can't afford to be as selective as we used to be."

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

"They cured me - then again, I don't have as many preexisting conditions."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"I think we need to have another look at how we defrost the vaccine."

'It's nothing to worry about - Just a routine procedure, Mrs Dawson. We call it the Mrs Dawson Procedure.'

"We'll get that infected tear duct fixed up in no time."

'Never, Ever...assume anything is free when you visit a hospital.'

County Health Clinic: "Urgent Care" and "Casual Care"

"Well I've only got next Tuesday at 4.30!"

'Jimmy, the most important thing to know as a new doctor is never cure your patient the first time. That way they have to come back and pay you again.'

'And how are you this fine day Mr. Simkins?'

Why not not see a doctor on a weekday when you could just as easily not see him at the weekend?

"I told you to take three teaspoons daily of the medication, not the spoons!"