Healthcare Commentator Pillows

Elderly man on phone in bed - 'Press 1 if you have bed sores, Press 2 if you need to go to the toilet...'

'Does it hurt when I do this?'

'Yours is an elective surgery, so we're still deciding if we feel like doing it or not.'

"Oh he survived the operation, it was the bill that killed him."

'Is there a doctor in the house we can trust?'

'Now I'll show you what turns a $6,000 operation into a $17,000 operation.'

"Is there a health insurance plan that covers the pre-existing condition of not being able to pay for one?"

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

'I'm afraid there is a two year waiting list for the operation you need, but I do have a slot for assisted suicide.'

Some GPs to be given panic alarms..."It goes off every time a government minister shows any interest in reorganising the Health Service."

"For healthy older patients like yourself who are running out of money, I prescribe red meat, fat, and booze."

Hospital: Accident and Emergency and On Purpose and Suffering Nicely.

'I need you to open wide, Peel.' - 'Ahhh.' - 'Not your mouth, fool! Your wallet.' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Wider!' - 'Argh!'

#1 Midriff

'Call yourself a real consultant? You've only kept me waiting six weeks!'

'Your credit has cleared, so the doctor will see you now.'

'I'm just checking on Ebay to see if there's any news on that liver replacement we were looking for!'

Rationing disguised as health promotion?

"How do you feel about duct tape?"

"I had an accident at work. Can you treat me at your hospital?"

"I give you a fifty-fifty chance. Pay me up front, and I'll make it sixty-forty."

"Side effects include less visits by the grim reaper."

"They used to call them G.P.s."

"And he can make 347,000 home visits in one night!"

Hospital

"City officials have cited erectile dysfunction as the cause for the building's collapse. And, on that note, I think I will now tender my resignation."

"There's generic, name brand, and LL Bean edition."

'You need an operation, and you'd better get it done now, before Hillary gets into the White House.'

"A low-level person who doesn't mean anything will see you now."

Successful doctor / Successful patient

'First Federal National Bank' getting money from 'West Central Medical Building'

'As far as I'm concerned all this talk of 'privatisation' is just a lot of media hype!'

Clothes BHS - Magazine WHS - Waiting NHS.

DUE TO CUTBACKS WAITING TIME FROM THIS POINT IS 3YRS.

'Why everything seems excellent.'