Health Transformation Skeptic Gifts

"I'm the 'Before' in diet ads."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

Privatisation of the NHS

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

DOH should create a simple prevalence formula that works.

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

'The tea was 60p, but under the hospitals new PFI arrangement it's now £56 a month until 2056...'

Man robbed by medical center.