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"What other diseases have you seen on TV that you'd like to be reassured you don't have?"

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

'Good news! Throwing yourself at the mercy of the cholesterol seems to have worked.'

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

Paging for a Doctor

Science and Coronavirus

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Too bad Desmond had never learned to recognize the early warning signs of a heart attack.

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'

'What is it now, Mister Hypochondriac?'

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'This could end up costing a lot more than I thought -- your disease is psychocomatic!'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'

'I'll have to do some tests, but I suspect you may have a sty in you eye.'

'There's something wrong here. You have all these risk factors, and yet you're in excellent health.'

"I'm telling you, Hutchins. It's 'Feed a fever. Starve a cold.'"

"Hello, Dr. Moreno? I wanted to tell you how nice it was to visit you today, but I'm not sure I needed all the pill samples...especially since I'm not sick."

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.