Health Information Skeptical Gifts

"I need to inform you of our new policy. No sentences can start out with, 'I read on the Internet.'"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

'Extreme acupuncture.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

Toilet roll beauty tips.

'I like this new alcohol labelling.'