Health-conscious Investor Gifts

'The diagnostic computer says it's in your financial best interest to invest in the companies whose drugs you take.'

'And their financial E.K.G. shows that they are in excellent health.'

"You're in great shape. I hope you have enough retirement savings to last another 30 years."

'Your portfolio is down and your blood pressure is up.'

Health Clinic - Notice: Investing in the Stock Market is Now Considered a Health Risk Factor.

'Is that my ticker' 'No, the Dow Jones index,'

Investments: Our commodity futures contain no high fructose corn syrup.

'Mr Hines, invest in two 'feel good' stocks, and call me in the morning.'

'See this, your blood pressure matches the stock exchange exactly.'

'If I were you I wouldn't worry about investing in futures anymore.'

'Your cholesterol is high your blood pressure is low, your heart bead is irregular. Your stocks are down and you're overdrawn at the bank.'

Investments: We have organic and gluten-free stocks.

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

IOC and human rights.

The Economy Discovers FFF!

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

"And you call yourself a socially-responsible investment portfolio!"

Climate Crisis and the Banks

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'But on the plus side, I felt better about owning a SUV as soon as I bought some oil stocks.'

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

'If you want them balanced, it'll be an extra 250 dollars.'

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

'My prescription: digital textbooks.'

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"So, I'm going to live but my stocks are on life support?"

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

'I'm doing my bit got the planet by investing in biofuels. . . Mind you, the fact that they'll have to strip-mine South America for crop space may well put a few noses out of joint.'