Harried Parent Gifts

"But MOM, between school, homework, sports and music lessons, I don't have time for time-outs anymore!"

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

Baby on Board, Mother on Edge.

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

'How did our summer vacation turn intoa summer job??'

'We need a dog!'

"I think we need to spend more time with the children...how many have we got?"

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

'When I want to watch a realistic comedy about a working mom, I'll look in the mirror.'

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

"Our training on managing a work life balance is running late so you'll need to get someone to pick your kids up."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"Gosh, before you know it they'll be all grown up and making poor decisions that you can't comment on or ever make peace with!"

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

"Tough time getting out of the house this morning?"

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

'Alert the troops I'm going back to work.'

'Sorry dear, I have to go straight to work tomorrow.'

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

State Prison Child Care

"Daddy, I'm all grown up now, and I'm leaving to start a life of my own."

"We should decide now whose career will suffer more once I give birth."

'Another day, another dollar.'