Tired Parent Gifts

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

We tried rocking her to sleep, but she still seems tired and cranky.

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

That's my daughter, Alayna

'Cracked nipple? But I didn't even drop you.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

'We need a dog!'

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

'Either switch off his batteries or take 'em out!'

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

"At first it was difficult having a new baby. But now I'm doing fine!"

"But MOM, between school, homework, sports and music lessons, I don't have time for time-outs anymore!"

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

"Dad, I'm thirsty again!"

"I'd be happy if I got half the attention and was half as clever as my kids' smartphones."

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

I'm late. Nothing you can say will convince me to drive you to school. O.K. Slam!

After years of shuttling teenagers around, Gina started hallucinating that she was morphing into a Chrysler minivan.

'Wait a minute...what am I doing? I can't count yet.'

'I appreciate your wanting me to do a stress test but what do you think I'm going through right now?'

I used to run every day. But lately its just been a rack for my clothes.

'You must've really been tired last night. You put the diaper on the dog.'