Guitar-strumming Chef T-Shirts

"Butcher a tune for you today, ma'am?"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

How to correctly estimate cooking time

Better Not Squash.

Witch's Brew.

Surgeon carving a chicken/turkey.

'Come and get it!'

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

Quartet of chefs.

Cook in the cookery section.

Sushi Train Set.

I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

Christmas Canapes

"The tiny red things were harvested from Frankie's bonsai tree."

"I'm not eating a TV dinner. Now it's called 'Computer Cuisine.'"

Sandwich snob.

"What do you mean, where's your order? Can't you see we're just starting to really cook?"

"Sauted lard, please."

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

'It's her signature dish.'

Baker

'Blimey, how old is this stilton?' 'Let;s put it this way...it used to be cheddar.'

"Music has doubled my income..."

"Try and push the eye of newt and wing of bat casserole."

End of the day bargains at the cheese counter.

'Home-made pie will be quick, I only live 10 minutes from here.'

"I was in a different place then."

'Of course I'd never have so much as looked at Timothy if it wasn't for his nose for truffles.'

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

Football Pudding

"Jean-Pierre, homemade caviar for table six, please!"

'Thanks, I found the cheesecloth. Can you recommend a nice wine to serve with it?'

"For the next Christmas party pot luck, let's skip the finger foods."

"Sous vide hot dog round, dehydrated generic bun dust, sweet relish foam, ketchup tuile."