Guilty Giggler Pillows

'I need a lawyer who specializes in guilty people.'

'We find the defendant to be TOAST.'

Clown God

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

'It was this big. I swear'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'I can't hire you, but I can sell you some stock in the company.'

Yoga Sequence to Avoid

'Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for the people who have to work with you.'

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"Can you write 'To Mandy - you're the best'?"

'Whoops!'

We interrupt today's "The Price is Right" episode to bring you breaking news … Weeks ago, the Hubble telescope spotted a rogue planet the size of Venus plummeting through the solar system on a collision course with earth. It turns out it was actually just a prank involving two very bored ISS astronauts and a grapefruit. Breaking News!!!!! Maybe we should send them to Mars after all. One of them seems to have scrawled "Around and around and around and around" all over his space suit, in crayon.

"Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupididy' and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein. Our colleague and I were going to debate, with me arguing the universe is finite and he's arguing that it's infinite. But he pulled out saying the debate organizers are biased against his position. He didn't believe they were simply advising folks to arrive early when they said "space is limited."

Search for Extraterrestrial Life. Ernie is working on a theory that alien life forms avoid the Milky Way galaxy because they're lactose intolerant.

The Big A** Theory

"It's bad news I'm afraid...we've lost his web site!"

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

Confession Ratings.

'Say, how can I convert this FAT file into a nice and small JPG?'

A Grumble Bee

When suddenly the clouds parted and down came Jeez, a god appalled by how his name is used in vain.

'They're evolving like mad -- You put in way too many cosmic rays!'

CHAUCER 411, 'Boy -- that guy spells worse than I do!'

"I have four stomachs and one of them always seems to be hungry.''

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

"Captain...I'm detecting Hemorrhoids off our starboard bow."

'It needs more punctuation.'

"What kind of mod are you in? Sit Down or All You Can Eat From The Trough?"

"I'd let her go, but she's so good with the kids."

'No.'

"Hey Vincent, I got a certified letter today. Apparently the birds have reported us stalking them and have taken out a restraining order against us."

"You do realize that this entire side of the galaxy is laughing at you and your NASCAR fixation don't you?"

"Who ate all the pieties?"

'Honey, there's a zombie at the door looking for brains,,,do we have anything for him'