Guilt-fighters Club Gifts

"Shopping data and browsing history of consumers who actually feel guilty unsubscribing from mailing lists!"

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

Police film evidence

"You want to withdraw your money? There's a fee for that."

"As your cell bitch, I imagine my Sarbanes-Oxley expertise should come in quite handy."

The Knockout.

"We always see a spike after April 15th."

"You're a lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch. You'll do well down here."

"If you kids want to grow up to be writers, it's time we give you something to write about."

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

Theories Of Everything: 'Everything would be perfect if I had a dirt bike.'

'You have a red belt already?'

Fight Club.

'Bad dog, no police doggy biscuit.'

'A couple of the other dads and I were thinking of starting up a fight club. . . you in?'

"When I think about my mom, it hurts here."

'FYI - this pan is bulletproof.'

"How many times have I told you not to watch the news before bed?"

"I have inoculation issues."

"This advice column is the worst trash I've ever read! And I should know! I've been reading it every day for the past 20 years!"

"Confound it! "Shoot first and ask questions later" doesn't apply to the interrogation room!"

'If he starts to pet you excessively whilst she's shouting it usually means he's feeling guilty.'

'I want a clear, fair fight - ah, what am I saying? - just beat the heck out of each other.'

'We just couldn't live with ourselves if we put mother in a home...'

'I really enjoyed that, but if anyone ask, don't you dare tell them we watched it.'

Satan Fast Food

"Not now, I'm on my break."

"Wow! - Who gave you the black eye. . . ?"

'Why can't you solve this?!'

"I just get a little tense before everything."

Martial Arts: Beginners Welcome.

Things I should be proud of - but am not. Things I shouldn't be proud of - but am.