Guilt-fighters Club Pillows

"Shopping data and browsing history of consumers who actually feel guilty unsubscribing from mailing lists!"

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

Police film evidence

"You want to withdraw your money? There's a fee for that."

Mom's Diner: I do and do and do for you and what thanks do I get? How about your business? Is that too much to ask?

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

"As your cell bitch, I imagine my Sarbanes-Oxley expertise should come in quite handy."

The Knockout.

"If you kids want to grow up to be writers, it's time we give you something to write about."

"You're a lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch. You'll do well down here."

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

"We always see a spike after April 15th."

Pillow Fight Club men having fights with pillows in a secret underground club.

Theories Of Everything: 'Everything would be perfect if I had a dirt bike.'

'You have a red belt already?'

Fight Club.

'Bad dog, no police doggy biscuit.'

'A couple of the other dads and I were thinking of starting up a fight club. . . you in?'

"When I think about my mom, it hurts here."

"You got him running scared, kid. He thinks he might actually kill you."

"Confound it! "Shoot first and ask questions later" doesn't apply to the interrogation room!"

"How many times have I told you not to watch the news before bed?"

'FYI - this pan is bulletproof.'

"I have inoculation issues."

"This advice column is the worst trash I've ever read! And I should know! I've been reading it every day for the past 20 years!"

'If he starts to pet you excessively whilst she's shouting it usually means he's feeling guilty.'

'I really enjoyed that, but if anyone ask, don't you dare tell them we watched it.'

'We just couldn't live with ourselves if we put mother in a home...'

'I want a clear, fair fight - ah, what am I saying? - just beat the heck out of each other.'

Satan Fast Food

"Not now, I'm on my break."

"Wow! - Who gave you the black eye. . . ?"

'Why can't you solve this?!'

"I just get a little tense before everything."

Martial Arts: Beginners Welcome.