Guardian Extraordinaire Gifts

'Tommy, I think you're taking this hall monitoring job too seriously.'

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"He likes it."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

Get well soon!

"Boy, the kids are growing up so fast!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'