Guardian Extraordinaire Pillows

'Tommy, I think you're taking this hall monitoring job too seriously.'

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"He likes it."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

Get well soon!

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

"Boy, the kids are growing up so fast!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."