Granola Guru Gifts

"Jim! Long time. Are you still making your own granola?"

Why Do Old Hippies Smile?

Granola-Head Zombies

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'Oh Hi!'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'I'm telling you Fred, this can of silver paint is going to improve your love-life!...'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Veggie Hall of Fame.

How to cope in Los Angeles vs. New York

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'Eat the grass in perfect circles. It drives them crazy.'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

Red Wine

"This is great. I've been playing miniature golf so often I almost forgot what regular-sized golf is like."

Cook being told what to do by housemaid

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

Modern Witch Shoppe

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

'Tell us what you've done with all the grass!'

'What do you mean, you can't get it to light?'