Granola Guru T-Shirts

"Jim! Long time. Are you still making your own granola?"

Why Do Old Hippies Smile?

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'I'm telling you Fred, this can of silver paint is going to improve your love-life!...'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'Oh Hi!'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

Veggie Hall of Fame.

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Eat the grass in perfect circles. It drives them crazy.'

How to cope in Los Angeles vs. New York

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Red Wine

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

Cook being told what to do by housemaid

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"This is great. I've been playing miniature golf so often I almost forgot what regular-sized golf is like."

Modern Witch Shoppe

'Tell us what you've done with all the grass!'

'What do you mean, you can't get it to light?'

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

A Complex Carb.