Gourmet Junkie T-Shirts

"No thanks. I'm a junk food cleanse this week."

"You're the lid to my pot."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I come here for the pepper."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

Join me for dinner?

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

Haute Chinese

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'There was sizzle but no steak.'

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"