Gourmet Illusionists T-Shirts

Bones barbecue.

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Just a pinch, Helga ... spicy eye of newt doesn't agree with me."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'It's Blurred.'

'You don't appreciate anything I cook!'

"No animals were harmed during this performance!"

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

'My doctor wants me to watch what I eat, so I'm here for glasses.'

'I told you rosemary and sage, but don't add the garlic until the last half hour.'

"All I've got left is smoked."

The mushroom pickers

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

Salvador Deli

MD to patient: 'So, it's a little fuzzy and you're seeing spots?'

'Chef's salad as ordered.'

"The Corned Beef Cappuccino needs work."

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

It shows off your astigmatism very nicely.

'How come you never bring meatballs?'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

',,,and she had the nerve to say I needed new glasses,'

Holy Pizza

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Pop-up neighborhood

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."