Gourmet Illusionists T-Shirts

Bones barbecue.

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Just a pinch, Helga ... spicy eye of newt doesn't agree with me."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'It's Blurred.'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

"No animals were harmed during this performance!"

'You don't appreciate anything I cook!'

A man with notches in his nose for his glasses.

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Salvador Deli

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'My doctor wants me to watch what I eat, so I'm here for glasses.'

'I told you rosemary and sage, but don't add the garlic until the last half hour.'

The mushroom pickers

"All I've got left is smoked."

MD to patient: 'So, it's a little fuzzy and you're seeing spots?'

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

"The Corned Beef Cappuccino needs work."

'How come you never bring meatballs?'

'Chef's salad as ordered.'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

It shows off your astigmatism very nicely.

',,,and she had the nerve to say I needed new glasses,'

Holy Pizza

Pop-up neighborhood

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."