Gourmet Gadfly Gifts

"No, no … the sashimi is fine. But I’m not crazy about your Wi-Fi signal."

An exterminator waits in line at a restaurant

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

The Main Types of Cheese

'I think I'll go home and eat'

Wendy likes horses...and she is a keen cook.

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'This place is really classy. They bring the microwave right to your table!'

"Impressive, yes, but what exactly is a black belt in cookery?"

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"The bagels are better in New York."

'You'll find it has a bouquet reminiscent of cherries and chocolate, a silky texture and best of all, for me, a 72% gross margin.'

'To be honest I'm sick of truffles.'

"The special is… pine nut encrusted… filet of salmon… in a balsamic wine reduction."

'Whatever he's eating.'

"Says, property of the I.R.S."

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

'House wine?'

"I think it's important to have a hobby outside of work...mine is eating chocolate."

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

"I see you've discovered the heirloom Twinkies."