Giving Tuesday Pillows

'Spare change.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

Christmas Tree

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"From the gentleman at the end of the barre."

Is that pancake ready yet?

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"I'd like a partridge in a pear tree, 2 turtle doves, 3 French hens, 4 calling birds and 7 swans a swimming."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

'They're dog roses!'

Say it with flowers

'You got anything that says I put some thought into this gift?'

"Gift"

Santa in the Sky: Happy Holidays!

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

'No sharing gifts! You get the Teddy Bear, he gets the bone.'

Love.

Tipping Pain Chart

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

"I hate it..."

Valentines Balloons

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'I'm huggable!'

'Let's open presents Christmas Eve AND morning. That way Christmas lasts for TWO days.'

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

'Take five Harry, I'm going on ahead to scout for sales'

"Got any cards saying friendship is priceless under 5 bucks?"

"A cactus! Darling, you're such a romantic..."