Giving Tuesday Gifts

'Spare change.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

Christmas Tree

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"From the gentleman at the end of the barre."

Is that pancake ready yet?

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

Say it with flowers

"I'd like a partridge in a pear tree, 2 turtle doves, 3 French hens, 4 calling birds and 7 swans a swimming."

'They're dog roses!'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

'You got anything that says I put some thought into this gift?'

"Gift"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

Santa in the Sky: Happy Holidays!

'No sharing gifts! You get the Teddy Bear, he gets the bone.'

Love.

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

"I hate it..."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

Tipping Pain Chart

Valentines Balloons

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'Take five Harry, I'm going on ahead to scout for sales'

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'I'm huggable!'

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

'Let's open presents Christmas Eve AND morning. That way Christmas lasts for TWO days.'

"A cactus! Darling, you're such a romantic..."

"Got any cards saying friendship is priceless under 5 bucks?"

'I don't need to know what it is when it's on sale.'