Giving A Speech Gifts

"I'm so nervous! I feel like you're all in my stomach."

"Let's make it a few minutes longer and add more inside jokes."

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I feel like that I've been given a unique oppurtunity to speak out on issues."

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

We need a Europe of U-turns.

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

"It's time to get politics out of money."

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

"I get the strange feeling this has happened before."

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

'I'm now going to open the floor to questions.'

'As you can see the market forecast is quite loopy in the next quarter.'

'I had to give a short speech last night. It was a hoot!'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

"Fulfilling others on Thanksgiving is pretty good advice, wouldn't you say?"

'I'm retiring, to spend more time with my family of mutual find investments,'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

Time for speeches

William Pitt the Elder

Thank You, Goals Achieved... and then some!

How to engage an audience

Can you mumble, mumble mumble? You're mumbling. What are you saying? I'm asking for your mumble, mumble. You're asking for my help? I can't get the word out. Can I get a little mumble? Mumble.

"Here's a draft of my speech, Accounts Receivable as Collateral When Obtaining Asset Based Lending. Make it pop."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

'She said her first 'I hate you' today.'

"It's no good Charlie, I'm done for! You've got to go it alone, Charlie. You've got to go on and nail that presentation! Nail it for me!"

Victory speech.

"We made mistakes & have evidently lost the trust of the public. Therefore I feel I must tender my resignation..."