Giving A Speech Gifts

"I'm so nervous! I feel like you're all in my stomach."

"Let's make it a few minutes longer and add more inside jokes."

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I feel like that I've been given a unique oppurtunity to speak out on issues."

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

We need a Europe of U-turns.

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

"It's time to get politics out of money."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"I get the strange feeling this has happened before."

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

'I'm now going to open the floor to questions.'

'As you can see the market forecast is quite loopy in the next quarter.'

'I had to give a short speech last night. It was a hoot!'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Time for speeches

William Pitt the Elder

'I'm retiring, to spend more time with my family of mutual find investments,'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

Thank You, Goals Achieved... and then some!

How to engage an audience

"Here's a draft of my speech, Accounts Receivable as Collateral When Obtaining Asset Based Lending. Make it pop."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

'She said her first 'I hate you' today.'

"It's no good Charlie, I'm done for! You've got to go it alone, Charlie. You've got to go on and nail that presentation! Nail it for me!"

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

"Thanks for your introductory speech at the conference. By the way, Hibblemeyer, it's 'hard-headed' businessman, not 'thick-headed'."

'If they're so darn 'fair and balance,' why are all the reporters people?'

"We made mistakes & have evidently lost the trust of the public. Therefore I feel I must tender my resignation..."

'Some of you may have heard that Dr. Weil is giving HIS talk right now in the next auditorium.'