Speech Writing Gifts

A Born Politician

"I regret that my poor choice of words caused some people to understand what I was saying."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

"I'm speaking with you this evening without the benefit of speech-writers or teleprompters. Thank you and good night."

"We leave 'will not be swayed by polls' in the speech. The focus group loved it."

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

Cartoons showing a speaker, with a teddy bear projected on a screen behind them. The speaker says: "welcome to my TED talk."

Time for speeches

"Shall I give my supporters your detailed policy speech, or just tweet them a string of sports cliches?"

"I'm writing your speech. What do your constituents want to hear?"

"Which one do you prefer for you speech today, Mr Secretary?"

"Great speech! Full of vitriol...but gleeful vitriol."

"If you don't strike oil in the first minute then stop boring."

Violent Rhetoric

'Ms. Dunn, I'd like you to go over my speech - just make sure it doesn't start World War III.'

Victory speech.

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

'Actually minister it doesn't really matter WHAT you say as long as you include a combination of the words 'choice', 'empowerment' and 'client focused'.'

'When I hired you to spin my speeches, I didn't mean a 360 degree spin.'

The Pope looks through here to check out the crowd before he speaks. Ah --- The papal people peephole!

"It's time to get politics out of money."

State of the Union Recap

"I don't know who my audience is."

"That's Jeremy. He never deviates from his prepared text."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"1984 by George Orwell. Project 2025. Presidential transition project."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Copycats