Gift Philosophers Pillows

Well, the cat guide says, 'If your cat brings home a dead animal, consider it a gift of love - he's 'feeding' you.' Hmph... Nothing in here about a salad, though...

Sometimes he just stood back and admired the breathtaking scenery of his life.

Illustration on the problem of money that is given to charities ending up in the hands of governments.

How the gift registry should really work

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

"You don't think rum-filled centers would give his officers the wrong impression?"

'Happy birthday, dear... It's an executive rock.'

'I'd like to participate in gym class, but I'm afraid I'll get overheated and contribute to the global warming problem.'

"Oh look Harold, a flower shop!"

"So, if you'll just bring me the 3-D printer, I can take it from there."

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

'This next song is about a close call and a near success. It's called The Grant that Got Away.'

'We'd love to pay staff more, but there's just no money! But you've got dozens of empty posts, why can't you use the money saved to pay better rates?'

"A percentage of your overdraft fees goes toward feeding the hungry."

X-Raying Christmas Presents

"Relax, Ms. Jones. I'm just X-raying this gift from my brother-in-law to see if I should re-gift it."

'And remember you success will be measured by how much money you donate to the universities alumni fund.'

Half of those who made no donations last year 'do not trust charities'.

'I know it's the thought that counts - what were you thinking?'

If time is money, why the hell isn't space money?

"Either you give up all that unhealthy stuff and live another 30 years or you go on as before, have a blast for about 10 or 11 years and then die happy, satisfied and drunken."

Doing to many good turns can make you dizzy.

"...Now will you believe me! It's too...big!"

"Every year it's the same old thing. Another pair of socks and another double chin."

'Y'know what, Mom? Who needs all this glitz and excess? Let's just have a simple Christmas and donate our gifts to charity.'

A panhandler with a sign that reads "If not me, who? If not now, when?"

'What's the catch?'

Useless gifts for elephants.

That's very thoughtful of you - a check for five gallons of gas.

Child's Birthday: 'More junk, I bet!'

'If I really was, do you think the kids would have even bothered to buy me a gift?'

'Apparently when she said she didn't want ANYTHING for Christmas I made the mistake of not hearing her say 'I want a crocodile skin attache case'.'